Happy Valentines Day everyone!

Tonight is going to be nice.

Last valentine's day was the first time me and Jason ever made love. We waited 3 months to do it, and it was such an awesome and romantic night. So I wonder what were doing tonight.

He has something planned, but he won't tell me what it is. I'm excited....

I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day, and even if your not spending it with someone special, that doesn't mean you never will.

LaTeR

So it's been a while....not much to say.

I'm happy, and in good spirits.
I had two job interview this week, and they went well.
Now that I live in Manchester, it's not as easy finding a job as it was in Boston. Yet the interviews went well, so hopefull i'll have a job next week.

Life is rough, but isn't it always....i'm just feel better knowing I have him...

So today is me and Jason's 1 year anniversary....he's comming up to see me tomorow, and were going to spend the whole weekend....umm...hanging out.

So why am I not more excited??? Why am I not happy?

I guess it's because i'm stressed. I wish I wasn't right now...horrible timing.

I love him though. I'm going to try to be happy this weekend. I don't want to spoil things.

I just wish my head was clear. I wish I didn't worry so much. I wish I could just be happy all the time. Maybe i'll get on some anti-depressants. Then i'll be happy.

YAY

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY JASON

Is it possible to be aware of your faults...but not accepting? Not willing to change? Not willing to step outside of yourself and realize that your wrong??? Or that you have a problem?

Maybe it's just me...

I'm leaving soon. Leaving the place i've called home for over a year.
Leaving my whole life behind, to start a new life with the man I love.

Is this the right thing to do?

Who knows.

Yet life is about chances.

About taking risks, and listening to your heart. Sometimes...

I love you Jason

Marrow:

1. The inmost, choicest, or essential part; the pith.
2. Strength or vigor; vitality.

Debauchery:
1.
a. Extreme indulgence in sensual pleasures; dissipation.
b. debaucheries Orgies.
2Archaic. Seduction from morality, allegiance, or duty

Morality:

1. The quality of being in accord with standards of right or good conduct.
2. A system of ideas of right and wrong conduct: religious morality; Christian morality.
3. Virtuous conduct.
4. A rule or lesson in moral conduct.

I dunno...

Bored I guess.

But i'm so sick of people....one person in particular, and you know who you are. I'm saying this because I know your going to read this at some point.

I'm sick of the IMMATURE games, i'm sick of the fighting, i'm sick of the emo moments and everything else.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT....IT'S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT...I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

I just want to go home...

Today is just another day of misery.

I hate being so emo, but there isn't shit to be happy about.

I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and die...

What's my purpose?

Why am I here?

To be shit on?

To be jerked around?

To be treated like no one on earth deserves to be treated?

I don't even know anymore.

I'm so sick of people that i'm nautious.

It hurts too...like a dull, rolling pain all over my body...Like waves of agony and dispair.

I just wish someone understood.

All I have now is me...

I'm so sick of dumb people. Just because you can use big words, and you might even be a little bit articulate...doesn't mean your not stupid. Just because you got your GED, and you want to go to college, (shit you may even be in college)...doesn't mean your not stupid.

I'm not saying i'm the smartest person in the world...but damn. I'm so sick of stupid people. I make mistakes, and I fuck up, but being...or at least acting like a mentally challenged person is just annoying.

Are there any half way intellegent people out there?

Dammit

My boyfriend...one of the only people who's IQ isn't less than his shoe size...

I'm still in love.

I'm going crazy again. I'm so lost in my life, in this maze, and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How emo...

I'm trying to deal with the day to day, but each morning I wake up seems more and more impossible. Again...I feel so lost and alone. The other night, I watch Donnie Darko with some of my friends, and I realized something. I'm the only person who thinks like me. I know your first instict is to say duh, but hear me out. I have a train of thought, and NO ONE can see my point of view....even the people that claim to get me. I have all these feelings, and thoughts and emotions....but i'm scared to tell anyone, because everyone looks at me like i'm crazy...or they tell me i'm wrong, and I feel stupid...I dunno. I guess i'll just be alone in my head for the rest of my life...

That's better than the voices right??? Just kidding..

My new favorite song...although it's not new, I just found it again.

I'm a bad girlfriend and friend sometimes....

CROSSFADE

Cold


Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

So i'm sitting in the gameroom, all alone, listening to Justin Timberlake...(Yes Jason I know)

So many thoughts are flowing through my mind right now it's giving me a headache. I feel like every emotion, that everone around me is feeling, is flowing through my veins. Along with my own as well. I don't even know what to do anymore. I want to scream, cry, hit something (or someone), and run away all at the same time.

Right now i'm dealing with school work, which includes my Level B in Computer Tech, my High School Diploma project, and my EAP portfolio. I'm also dealing with running the gameroom and being trasurer of the SGA. I'm trying to figure out what i'm going to do when I get out of here, including work, a place to live, and school. I trying to cope with being away from my family, and the love of my life. All the important people in my life are a million miles away and it's killing me. I feel so alone right now.

Like I said before...the problems and emotions of everyone around me are seeping into my pores...Shakia is pregnant, and i'm trying to help her deal with that, but her depression is rubbing off on me. Plus I want to help her in any and every way that I can, and that's quite draining...

Josh and Jason are fighting, and i'm right smack in the middle. It's such a hard place to be, and it kinda makes me wanna kill myself. It makes me feel like I have to choose, and I don't want to ever have to.

Then there is Drew...he's so emotionally screwed right now, and I don't know how to help him. He hurts himself, and I can't talk to him because I don't want to make things worse. I watched him rip a closed safety pin out of his arm yesterday, and it hurt so bad to see him like that. I would feel so responsible and guilty if he killed himself, and I knew about how he was and just did nothing....but I don't want them to send him away.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There's more but I have to go to sleep now....untill tomorow.

At least he still loves me...That keeps me going everyday. Gives me a reason to get up in the morning... I love you Jason

Love (Noun)
1>A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2>A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3>Sexual passion.
4>Sexual intercourse.
5>A love affair.
6>An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
7>A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
8>An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.

Love...sometimes I feel like it's just a word. A word that people attach to a feeling or emotion. You love a child, or a pet, or a significant other. A mother, a friend, or a tangible object that someone you love gave to you. But what is love truly?

Who sets the definition on love? Webster? You? Me? And the diffrence between Love and In-Love?

All I know is how I feel. I attach a word to it, because I have to in order to make it "real" in the eyes of thoes around me.

I know that everytime I see him, or speak to him, I get butterflies in my stomach. I know that I cry because I miss him so much. I know that I don't see my life without him. I would drop everything, if I had to, for him. He completes me, and is helping me to become the woman I am meant to be. His laughter and smile brighten up my day. I want to marry him, have his children, and grow old with him....and only him.

When I am with him, everything else around us dissapears...







I know how I feel...and if love is the word to describe it, then I am in love. I am more in love than anyone could ever be...

Jason Paul Pierson...I love you

So this weekend I went to a keg party, and when I came back I had a shit load of e-mails from Jason. I guess he missed me. I left out all the angry e-mails he sent in between the sweet ones. I think he missed me more this weekend, than he ever has before.

It's amazing how far we've come in our relationship. We used to be so apathetic twards each other, and I sometimes felt like we were only togehter because we didn't want to be alone. Now I know we are in love, and it's for real. I finally found the one I was meant to be with, the one who completes me. I wish on stars everyday that this will work, and I hope he does too. Maybe wishes do come true.

Here are some of the cute e-mails he sent me this weekend:

SATURDAY OCTOBER 1ST:

I never told you that you are the first thing that I think of when I wake up
And I think about you every day
And when I look at your pictures, It make me want to cry
Because you are so beautiful
And I miss you more than anything …god damnit

I love you baby

SATURDAY OCTOBER 2ND

Im sorry I went crazy this weekend…. I was going to send you a bunch of cute emails and I went nuts when I saw that myspace stuff. I know the last thing you want is me flipping out on you again. I just want you to know that you are the only one I want in my life…. I know for a fact that I would die if you left me… I cant even get ahold of you and IM miserable already…. I want to talk to you so bad it hurts but I cant find you..

I love you so god damn much
Baby don’t be mad at me
I cant unsend emails but I would if I could.
I hope you had a good weekend


MONDAY OCTOBER 3RD:

Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I love you baby… your so awesome! I CANT WAIT TILL WE CAN BE TOGETHER EVERY DAY DAMNIT’
Im trying to stop being such a douche. You deserve better than me yelling all the time. SO IM TRYING TO STOP
Because I love you

Gotta go to work

I love you



I THINK HE LOVES ME!!!







Untitled
From Kai to Jason

I'm happier than i've ever been before,
I'm sorry for all the mistakes and open sores,
I used to feel that this wasn't going to last,
Things seemed bleek right from our past,
I didn't want to leave, but what else could I do?
and at times I know you felt it too
now things are awesome, and I know it's forever,
since I walk around rockin' your south pole sweater,
Nothing could make me leave you now, no way
I love you so much more every single day,

I love you baby boy....forever

I'm not ever sure what to do anymore. The thoughts in my head area all screwed up, and I can't put things together. I keep having the feeling that I might just have another nervous breakdown, like the one I had back in October 04'. I just want to be happy. That's it? Is that too much to ask?

I want to be home and happy with Jason. Am I sure that will make me happy though? Or will he do to me what he did to Mel? I'm scared. He tells me i'm the last good thing in his life, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but how can I be sure it's for real this time? I kind of get the idea that he said the same to her. I don't want to be "her". I don't want to be the girl who changes her whole life around for a guy who just ends up leaving her out in the cold...

Who knows...maybe i'm just scared of being happy. Scared of being in a commited relationship. Scared that he is actully the one for me, and I don't have to search anymore.

I love you
Jason Paul Pierson...

More than life itself

Just don't hurt me, cuz i'm so happy with you right now, it would kill me.

Me and Jason on September 24, 2005